It seems that I have been forcibly entered into a new phase of life – one that I’m not sure that I am loving.

By Amber Litzinger

It seems that I have been forcibly entered into a new phase of life – one that I’m not sure that I am loving.

That phase of life is learning how to be my grown children’s friend. The problem is that I’m not sure they are worried about learning the same.

As I am discovering how to value them as the new humans they are growing into, while also hoping I taught them enough for them to start choosing to do the same for me, I have started to define what can be described as the 3 stages of investing in relationship. Of course, in my case, I am currently thinking in regards to family relationships, but these stages can apply to friendships & business relationships as well.  Truly, wherever there is a desire to invest in people, I believe that you can find value in recognizing and applying these steps.

 Choose – It never ceases to amaze me how simple making friends seemed when I was a kid.  You saw another child, asked if you could play together, and then asked if they wanted to be your friend.  You chose them and that seemed to be all that was needed. There wasn’t a lot of fuss or worry involved. Honestly, in some ways, it truly is that simple. Two powerful ways to choose people is to meet them, and invite them. I choose the people that I want to be friends with and then I try to meet them and work to be their friend. Yes, it is more detailed as adults, there is a lot more insecurity involved, and the risk of them saying no because of their own insecurities seems higher, but it is still a choice I make. The power of invitation has the strength to break down walls of defense held up by personal pain. Inviting people into relationship, or to an event, or to have a seat at your table welcomes them in. And, invitations can be as simple as inviting, or offering, a handshake. In a family, it might seem that relationships are built in, but as children grow, schedules get hectic, family dynamics become extended instead of nuclear, other choices get in the way more easily, and distance can easily happen. Continually choosing to see your family as individual and special people that you want to invest in can sometimes take actual & real effort. Invitation for small moments together weave in and out of the fabric of building relationships in the home. Relying on the comfort of the 'built-in' in relationships won’t always be enough. We also know that the more time spent together does not automatically equal better relationship, as we probably have all seen, and possibly experienced, in workplace relationships. Often, choosing to carry those relationships outside of the work environment is when they begin to go deeper.

It comes down to choosing how much we want to invest.  None of us have the bandwidth to invest all of our time and energy into every person in our lives. It just wouldn’t be realistic (or probably very healthy!) There will be different levels of investment for different people, and even for different seasons.

The power comes in our choosing to invest. 

Now, I feel that these next 2 stages can happen in reverse order or at the same time. The important thing is that, in order for any relationship to grow, they just both have to start happening.

 Discover –  Okay, so… you chose this new person to be your friend; or you chose to strengthen your relationship with a family member; or you choose to hire a promising new recruit…now, how can we go deeper in these relationships?

Starting to learn who this new person in our lives is and how we fit with them will allow us to properly evaluate the level of investment we will be able to give… and that they can give back. Because, let us not be naïve, relationships are (and should be) 2-way streets.  But, we are going to focus on the personal part that we play for this article Asking questions about what our friends or family members like or need will give them space to share their hearts and begin to help us understand better who they are I love personality and strength assessments because they can be such great tools for learning about each other and ourselves, and give us relatable vocabulary to communicate with. Knowing employment strengths and weaknesses can help steer a new employee into a role where they will best grow and support the company without being overwhelmed or burnt out.  Defining personality or communication traits with your teenager can help you support them as they start making decisions that could affect the rest of their lives and can strengthen communication as you learn to let go of some things. (*cough, cough*)

Conversely, if a friend or family member assumes they know what I need or what I think in every situation, without doing the work to actually find out, their care can begin to feel like it is more about themselves than about me. When people understand me, or make space for me to express myself honestly, I feel better cared for and value them so much more.

As people tend to change and grow, discovery is needed over and over. It is so important to try to discover who we are and who the people in our lives are in every season and as those seasons change. 

Pursue – Time has a not-funny way of driving distance between relationships.  Yet, our lives and our physical world are governed by time, if not simply by seasons.  As time passes, it can be easy to get distracted, grow into patterns and complacency, become busy with other things, or even need to focus on other things in our lives.  Pursuit is actively and intentionally choosing and working to discover in a consistent manner.  However, different relationships and different seasons will require or allow different tempos of consistency.  Pursuing the relationships in our lives is a practice, and as we know, practice makes perfect, or at least closer.  And, when seasons of our life make it harder for our practice of pursuit to be more frequent, then intentionality weighs in.  I’m sure it easily makes sense that the more we focus on the relationships in our lives, the more they will grow. 

Finally, we start at the top….and choose.  We choose our people, we discover who they are in whatever season or position we are in right now, and we pursue deeper and more meaningful relationships. 

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Again and again and again….because people are always a worthy investment.