Expectations, Boundaries and the Gift of Realism

By Tracy McIntyre

Over the holidays the four of us were together at an event, when a conversation about

expectations and boundaries started, as one of my friends had a client who demanded immediate response, at 4pm on Friday before the holidays. This led us to having a broader discussion on how we often set boundaries, but how we are not always the best at communicating those boundaries, not just to others, but to ourselves.

As leaders and working in communities, it’s essential that we set healthy boundaries in every part of our lives, including our own internal expectations.

This is something I’m actively working on. I tend toward perfectionism and overthinking, a combination that often leads me to place unspoken expectations on others and then feel frustrated when they aren’t met. The truth is that people can’t meet expectations they don’t know exist. Nor is it fair that I place expectations on others without communicating with them and understanding their own insights and feelings on those expectations. This shows up in work and personal relationships and often results in mixed understanding and disagreement.

What I’m discovering is that life doesn’t require perfection, but it does require communication. I’m practicing being clearer about expectations with teams I lead and being more intentional about discussing needs in my personal relationships, without turning them into demands. I’m also learning to be more realistic with my own time. Long to-do lists overwhelm me and lead to shutdown rather than progress. Being “busy” is no longer a badge I want to wear.

To support more realistic expectations of myself, I’ve made a few intentional shifts.

• First, I’ve redesigned my mornings to prioritize intention over urgency. I try to begin the day without electronics and identify two or three realistic actions that move me toward my overall personal goals. Whether that’s building a business, creating connection with those I love, improving my health, or training a new puppy. I protect this time, avoid early meetings when possible, and enter the day feeling calmer and more grounded.

• Second, I am striving to limit my time on social media. While it can be a place for

  connection and inspiration, it’s also where comparison creeps in and attention disappears. When I feel the urge to scroll, I try to choose something more grounding like reading, walking the dog, painting, or learning something new, so I can stay present in my own life.

• Lastly, I’m scheduling for joy not just productivity. I schedule and now take a full lunch break. I work my full day—and then I stop. I’m scheduling time for healthy habits like yoga and walks, time with friends and family and strive for my calendar to be balanced, including rest and downtime for myself. I remind myself that while I may be replaceable at work, I am not replaceable in my own life. Creating space for rest, relationships, and joy isn’t optional; it’s necessary.

I also have changed a few other things in my workday that help me honor myself and my personal goals of recovering from being a workaholic. I set response-time expectations in writing and verbally when meeting new clients. I use my out of office and email signature to communicate when people can expect to hear from me. Example: “I work unconventional hours and may take up to 48 hours to respond. If you haven’t heard back, please feel free to send a nudge”. When I take on a new project I let people know that my calendar and demands can be high and that communication, especially emails, can be lost in the shuffle. I ask people that if they don’t hear from me in a 48 hour period to text or email me a nudge, or call. Sometimes what we all assume is someone being distant or ignoring is as simple as not seeing the message. We as

a society rely on our technology but we all are getting bombarded by emails, messages, texts – with so many different ways to communicate it is challenging to actually hear what is being said.

Another trick I’m working on is to set my daily workflow to match my tasks to my energy,

not the clock. I intentionally tracked my day and noticed when my energy is highest and lowest during the day. I know that from 1pm to 3pm it is hard for me to do complicated tasks. So now, I’m setting that time aside for items that can reenergizes me – I brainstorm out a new project, I work on priority planning and setting up my schedule, or I might take a walk if the weather is nice. What I’m finding is by doing something that supports my energy level usually results in a spurt of energy around 4pm and I finish strong for the day.

Lastly, I’ve been working on designing tasks for myself and others that are based on skills and what makes them happy. By looking, talking and understanding my team, my partners, and collaborators, I’m working to identify who excels at what. And what makes people happy to do verses what they dread. Divide responsibilities into ways that complement each other while still allowing room for growth and challenge. While accepting that we all will need to do some things we dislike I do try to let other that I lead know, that I will not put all my “dreaded” work onto others, but that I will clean the bathroom or take out the garbage if it is needed to be done.

Now, I know that these ideas aren't groundbreaking but serve as a helpful reminder to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Establishing limits and realistic expectations helps us stay engaged and focused on what matters.

I leave you with this question:

• What will you do to set healthy expectations for yourself and others this year? Take a moment and write down some ideas or build out some new morning habits. Trust me, you will be grateful that you do.