It's Not Supposed to Be Like This

By Amber Litzinger

Twinkling lights, festive decorations, parties and events, and the anticipation of waking Christmas morning surrounded by the people that you love. It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

….unless it isn’t. Because sometimes it’s not. 

So, how do you walk out the holiday season when it doesn’t look like what you had hoped or expected? This can happen for any number of reasons. Maybe someone you loved passed away, whether during the last year or longer, or someone you loved removed themselves from your life. Maybe you are walking through a heavy physical, mental, economical, or social diagnosis in your life: sickness, bankruptcy, mental illness, & even moving away from a place you called home can outweigh the joy it is assumed is magically prevalent during this season.  

Or, maybe your heart isn’t being affected by a big and definable event.  Instead, you can’t quite explain why everything feels off, why your energy is drained, why you really don’t like people, why Holiday songs that used to seem so uplifting and energizing, now sound tinny and annoying.  

There are so many reasons possible for why the Christmas and holiday season isn’t looking how you expected it to, but now you are left reeling with how to simply show up for those around you, or maybe even asking deeper, sadder questions. 

Before I go any further, friend!  If you are reading this, please know that you are so loved and cared for and needed in your world, no matter how this season feels. Please call a friend or reach out for help.  

Walking through a holiday season that is heavier than it should be, however, is like any other goal that holds real value - it is going to take investment. (Spoiler alert: this type of investment has beautiful returns!)  

The first step really is to be honest as you acknowledge and truly look at the fact that this season isn’t going to look like you originally wanted to.  So often we try to just keep going because work has to be done. And if we don’t do it, who will? I know. I know. I have felt that, too. But that mindset will only last for so long.  Honestly looking at what the reality of your life is right now takes bravery, but brings freedom.  You now longer have to use your energy to try and deny, or push past, what is going on. 

The next step, allowing yourself to truly grieve, might be the one that feels the hardest.  It may be the one we try to avoid the most. Truly, none of us want to fall apart. We constantly try our hardest not to.  However, when we have fallen apart is when we are finally able to start the process of rebuilding our hearts and dreams. This may be a very slow process, there is no rush. The real starting point won’t happen without our grief being allowed to come. 

As much as we sometimes believe that our lives don’t affect anyone else, it simply isn’t true.  Even in the smallest way, we make irremovable dents in the lives of the people that we meet. Because of that, we need them to help us step into the next pieces of this process.  Telling your friends and family more about what you have worked to identify and are feeling allows them to offer support & empathy. Even if there are moments that you may not know how to articulate exactly what you need, work to communicate, even if it is the simplest of statements, “I need help”. 

And, finally, remind yourself that this season is not forever.  Breathe deeply, remove obligations that don’t bring some piece of joy, say NO to a few things. It is okay for this season to look like hiding away in places where you are able to feel safe, secure and loved.  One day, your season will change.  It will never look the same - knowing that is part of the grieving - but it will change.  

Truly, there is so much more that could be said about this that won’t fit neatly in a blog post.  If there is anything of value that reading this could bring, we hope that you are able to catch a small glimmer of hope. We hope that by starting this conversation we can share insights but also brighten your day. 

Wishing you the most beautiful holiday season, right where you are and as you are.